|Are you Playing "Hide and Seek" with God?|
When I was a young child and first learning about who God is. I remember trying to "Hide from God" and trying to find a place where God couldn't see me. I learned quickly that God always saw me. As an adult, I have found times in my life where I again "Hide from God". Are you?
Recently, I have been having difficulty persevering in being part of my church family. I've been wounded and even though I chose forgiveness, I longed to run away from the struggle and just go to a different church.
Forgiveness is hard and trying not to hold someone accountable for what you forgave them for has not been easy. Some of you would even have encouraged me to run and on those days I "Hid from God" I would totally agree with you.
Let me describe what I mean by "Hide from God"
Reading Gods word (Bible) is and has been my balm. God does provide encouragement but I am not always open to hearing it. When God called me to stay at my church, this was one of those times. So, I "Hid from God." I stopped reading the Bible because I didn't want to obey and stay in the pain. I didn't want to submit to God's plan for me. It's was also easier to complain about people or the church or not forgive fully when you are not looking into the mirror of God's word.
Finally, With all the stress and hurt building up I broke down. I went to the gym, ran 10 or more miles and talked to God. (I deal with stress and anger in one of two ways... cleaning or physical activity).
I called out to God and asked him as my music was playing.....
- What am I missing God?
- Why are they still hurting me?
- Am I the problem?
- Do you want me to leave?
- Why does everyone hate me?
- I could go else where to a place people like me?
Then after a long list of complaints, I finally asked for wisdom. For God to remove my Blind spots. Let me see fully what I need to do to fix the situation and stop the Pain.
About that time, My dear friend Lindsey came in to the gym and started telling me about what was going on with her. I listened for a while and then I lost it, tears and all, while standing on a treadmill. She ministered to me. She encouraged me to spend time with God and in his word. (Remember I was hiding, so I had not been doing this lately).
Blind Spot revealed. I wasn't in His Word, I was "Hiding".
So, in my desperation and encouragement to take my friends advice. I go home, take a shower and open my Bible.
My scheduled reading was in Genesis. I say "Ok God you wanted me here and I know you can show me things, but am I really going to get anything out of Genesis?" Before my "hiding" episode, I decided to go through the bible again and actually read the commentary and look up cross references.
When you ask a question the one I asked that don't be surprised that you get humbled..
Today's scripture was the "Temptation story of Adam and Eve" found in Genesis 3.
I wasn't very impressed until I read the commentary, it prompted me to look at Genesis 3 in a new way.
When satan temped eve.... Notice the progression on what happens.
1. Doubt sets in (doubt of God, doubt of consequences, lack of trust)
2. Assumptions are made (God would want me like him, God is not good, no one really cares, Adam will do it too)
3. The temptation became irresistible when they saw freedom (I don't have to follow the rule, I will not really die and I will be like God)
If you apply the above to my "unhappy church situation" you would see my blind spot ("hiding from God) really is an issue of submission. Do I submit to what God is allowing to happen to me to grow me or do I run from the growth because of the pain.
1. My doubt was (I know God wanted me there but did he really mean he wanted me there now)
2. My assumption was (I can hide from God and walk away, People don't really care if I'm there or not, no one even sees me or what I do, no one else is struggling like me)
3. The temptation was a new church (that promised a new start, new people, and never having to deal with those people ever again, freedom).
Well since I was already encouraged and convicted, I decided with a little more prompting to read my "Tuesday Ladies Bible Study" reading a day early. The lesson was all about sharing my life with others and Finding an accountability partner to unmask my defense mechanisms.
Needless to say I needed sunglasses to deal with all the truth that was just pointed out to me.
My defense mechanism is to "hide" from conflict or from things I really don't want to do or want to hear. Just as Adam and Eve "hid" from God after they had eaten the apple, I "hid from God" after wanting to do the opposite of what God wanted me to do. I too had sinned.
I took the taking time to ask forgiveness and thank God. I will be taking steps to fix my "hiding from God" defense mechanism with God's help and with the help of an accountability partner.
Is the situation I talked earlier still present? Yes. Do I still want to leave my church? Yes. Do I still know it's God's will for me to stay there? Yes. Do I want to? No. Will I submit anyway? Yes
A friend of mine told me "Submission is not submission if you want to do it."
It is only by being in Gods word That I am able press on and to be at peace for Today. Tomorrow, God willing, I will start in his word and not "Hide from God".
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